September 06, 2010

A walk in the doldrums

I'm not depressed. At least I don't believe I am. I'm just dissatisfied with myself right now. I feel like I'm always snipping angrily, or I'm always tired. I don't do the things I decided I want to do each day.

For several days/weeks now the thought has been on the top of my to-do list, to get off my ass and update all my blogs. In particular this one, and my book blog. I especially hate the way no one comments on the book blog any more, but I can't really blame them...I haven't done anything community wise myself for over a year now.

I dislike that I've all but stopped working out. I'm down to maybe half an hour three times a week. This is my fault, I know. I need to make myself do it, but I'm finding the attraction of sitting like a lump after a day at school more relaxing than exercise. Along those lines, I hate that I'm still losing weight but my waist size has not gone down at all. When I look in the mirror I can see that I've lost weight...even around my waist, but measuring and by feel, I'm still carrying around the chub.

I know I shouldn't begrudge myself having to do homework...such as grading and prepwork. But this is the first time in four years, that I've had to bring home work almost every night and weekend. Usually, it is just once or twice a block. I'm not sure what the difference is. Yes, I'm teaching an extra class, but it is a class I don't have to prepare for. I show up and watch the kids take a class on the computer. I'm there to babysit and grade their essays.  I'm also teaching science fiction, which seems to be taking a lot of prep time, but since I've revamped it that should come as no surprise. I just don't understand why this block is suddenly so much busier on the school front  than before.

I thought I believed in God. I still feel that this and this choice in religion is right for me. But that is about all I know right now. I can't trust myself, my judgement, my faith. It's hard to believe in anything concerning God/Christianity right now. Even just thinking about it brings me to tears....and talking about it starts arguments, nearly nightly, with my husband.

I miss being the story teller I was. That's what this blog used to be. I had a way with words, or I thought I did. Now, I'm either babbling aimlessly or bitching.

I miss being the optimistic person I thought I was. I remember thinking / seeing the best in people....but that seems to have gone the way of snow in my life....non-existent.

The doldrums are a murky place, filled with traps that a girl could easily get lost in. I know I'm at least half-way through them....I can see the light....see the end. I just hope this isn't a trick.