October 02, 2009

Thinking about arguments...

A comment my sister-in-law left on Facebook got me thinking. She was commenting on an argument that Teel and I were having. I get the feeling that in her eyes the only thing we do is argue.

I don't like arguing. And to some extent I do see it as it could be an indicator that something is wrong. I've known couples who argued all the time and in the end were worse off for that. I've also known couples who never argued once but still got divorced over differences.

That being said, I also don't live in a fairy tale world where falling in love and getting married automatically means all your problems are solved. Teel and I are individuals with separate brains, hearts, emotions, and daily lives. The things we experience and think about are often quite different from what the other sees/feels...even in the same circumstance. This is bound to lead to some differences of opinion, right?

Back in Laramie, with the ex, I was never in an argument. Never. Sure, we went places together, we bought a house and dogs, we......I wasn't allowed to see friends, couldn't leave the house in case he called, was expected to be waiting happily for him to get over his latest drunk bender......but oh, no we never argued! I strongly believe that if I had argued with him earlier, if I had fought for myself and my feelings / beliefs my world would have been much better earlier. Instead, because I was unwilling to argue with him....because I had come to believe that arguing was bad and that if we didn't fight we must be alright (and I desperately wanted us to be alright) I was put into serious mental and physical danger.

A few elevated voices now and again, a harsher word, and those strong emotions are nothing compared to that. They could even be seen as a positive change. We are making each other instantly aware that there is a problem. We are trying to figure it out. We've never let the argument carry on. We deal with it there and then. And in the end we do love each other and are willing to work on whatever conclusion we came to.

Sure, there may be a healthier way to go about expressing ourselves and maybe someday we'll get there. But I cannot and won't feel guilty for fighting for something I believe in or feel strongly about. I also won't stop fighting for our relationship.


Yo said...

Atta girl! You're in a partnership.... keep fighting for your marriage, a good discussion every now and again keeps it healthy! Love you! -H.Yo

Mandy said...

Heather, Thank you so much for your supportive words. I really needed to hear (well read) them.

Love you!

Yo said...

Well, not that I know anything about marriage....well, I did take a couple of classes on it when I was taking my grad classes, so maybe I know a little on it... I know you love him and he loves you and that's what matters!