July 06, 2009

Flaws (Much rambling below - read at your own risk)

I've been quite selfish, needy, and lacking will-power lately....most of this summer in fact. I'm not sure what's behind it, but I do know my will-power or lack there of has not stretched out a hand to help me overcome it. I just keep wanting things. I want a new dress, need new clothes, want to go out to eat, want to travel, want to spend money on silly things...just want. I also want to loose weight, want to exercise more....want. Unfortunately, I can't. I know that's a stupid argument. I should just do it. If I worked out more regularly, if I lost the weight....I know. I KNOW! That doesn't make me any more capable of overcoming my lethargy.

A small bit of the problem stems from contradictory wants. For example: I want to lose weight, but I also want that bowl of chocolate ice cream. I've tried the ignoring the yummy food route. I've tried the limiting the amount of goodies that can come in the house. If they aren't here I don't want them, but that's not fair to Teel. I've even tried using one as a reward for doing the other. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not the 210-215 lbs. I was when I moved to Havasu, but I'm only a little under that and have lost all semblance of muscle tone. I'm squishy all over. Gah.

Another silly frustration is my hair. I'm pretty sure that for the first time since high school I'm sporting what can only be called my natural color. It's bland. It's dull. I don't like it. I don't want to dye it either....not really...mostly because I want a fun, dramatic, not found on humans naturally color. I can't do that though (I tried blue at the beginning of summer. It had faded out completely in two weeks and had stripped my hair of natural colors too) with school only a month away and the corporation I work for being under the impression that colorful hair is not professional. I'm also battling wanting to go get my hair cut....short. Will power is helping me out here, a bit, but only through a bribe/goal. It's hot here, as in I'm sweating sitting on my sofa in the air-conditioned house hot. My hair is long and therefore irritating in the hotness. It's in my way. It's flat and sticky and messy and really the only thing I can do (beyond killing basic grammar and punctuation rules) is pull it back. I'm not actually a fan of that. I do like it being long though, because occasionally it plays along and allows me to do some nifty hairstyles. Also, for some strange reason, I don't want to cut my hair. I'd like to see how long I can get it, or if I'm correct in thinking it will not get any longer than my shoulders. It's an odd thing.

I'm aware that these are mostly superficial and unnecessary things to worry about...to even be fretting about. They, however, are making me quite irritated with myself, and I keep seeing bits of that irritation seeping into my conversations and dealings with other people. I don't want to taint them, bother them, upset them just because I'm being a whiny brat. I keep apologizing to Teel, as he's getting most of it, but I can't seem to stop doing it. He's been remarkable nice, but still...

I don't know how to get out of this apathetic lull. Maybe having spilled some of all over the Internet will be the kick in the pants I'm looking for. Or maybe it'll go into the pile of things I don't know how to fix.


His Sinfulness said...

I feel your pain; I'm pretty want-ful this summer too. For me, I think it's the lack of structure that summer provides for the academic.

Let me know when you find the cure... :/