January 11, 2009

The oldest I've been, yet.

I don't exactly know why this birthday is shaping up to be harder than the others, but it is. I started feeling it a couple weeks ago. It's hard to explain. A bunch of little things - things that really shouldn't weigh this much - are all ganging up to make me feel old. Some of them are silly things.....like facing the associations I've made with old people going to bed early and seeing that I'm usually asleep before 10, even when I want to be up. Others are not so silly, but still shouldn't be dragging me down. I feel really old right now. Some of it is mentally old. It's been noted recently that I've started forgetting things, and these aren't little oops forgets but rather I should be remembering this without a problem, but have forgotten slip ups. It is somewhat scary. If I'm this bad at almost 32 how will I be at almost 62?

I don't actually want to turn 32. There are so many things that I want to do....or that I wanted to do before now. Not that I've had the time, money, or opportunity to do them, but on my fantastical 'what do I want to do with my life' list there were some big things. There are some things that are getting harder/farther from my ability to accomplish them.

I've never really been one to worry about my age and what it meant or what it was supposed to make me. That is most of what is making this birthday so odd. Why am I worried about this? What makes this number any different than the last?

2 comments:

His Sinfulness said...

I've had birthdays like that... and I have no handy advice to make it easier. Sorry, love... :/

Big Gay Jim said...

A friend and I went to someone's house for a wine and cheese night this weekend. One of my former 8th graders was there. He happily informed me that he graduated from college a year ago. I groaned, and feel your pain. I fear it only gets worse, though. I think maybe it's because now you can't claim to be "thirty-wonderful." Since this year will be my 6th annual 29th birthday, maybe I'll be daring and turn 30. ;)