February 21, 2007

My insecurity

It's not about my appearance or weight. It isn't about other people or actions. It is over something silly...something I can do nothing about. Nothing more than I am. It's about debt and money. Specifically that I will never have enough money to comfortably exist day to day. I'm thirty years old and my family still has to rescue me. It doesn't matter what I do; I never seem to get it right. It's not just about getting numbers to add up. They almost always do. The number though is usually higher than what I have. I hate that I have a job. That I've done the things that are supposed to make me successful, or at least functional, in this world and I can't pay my own bills. Every month I have to rearrange and negotiate. Not because I'm friviously spending and want play money, but because I have to decide what's more important this month - electricity or food.

This doesn't accurately cover what I'm thinking about or feeling. I just needed to get it out somewhere. Every time, and there have been lots of times, I ask someone for help, something in my psyche breaks. It is the most humbling and degrading thing I know. (This is to my own experience...no one has ever treated me badly when I asked for help...not really). I feel pitiful and stupid. I should be able to live on my own. I shouldn't have to ask my mother (who needs the few pennies she has) or father or any of my friends (most who aren't exactly well off either). But I do. I always do.

I do this stewing and berating myself regularly...at least once a month. If I don't ask I can pretend that I've made it through a month on my own. But that just makes the next time I do ask worse. I've had to ask a lot lately.

On top of all this poor pitiful me stuff is an overly hefty dose of guilt. I know I'm lucky to have people who will help me. I know I'm not as badly off as some people. I know that for a large portion of my debt the end is almost in sight. Which makes me feel self-concious, selfish, greedy, needy, embarassed.....shitty. Even the fact that I'm whining here bothers me greatly.

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Last night, after my word-vomit at Teel, he mentioned that when he gets anxious and upset about things like this all he has to do is remember faith. Remembering that everything will work out, that he's being looked out for, and that everything he needs will be provided pulls im through. I've been thinking about this all day. I've let my trust in faith slip. I do believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to, that there is someone watching over me, that I will be caught when I slip, and that actions are being taken to try to prevent those slips. I just forgot to trust. I've been focusing my attention everywhere related but not where it should be. I need to go hide in forest. I need to rebond without agenda. I need to regain trust and rebuild faith. I have a lot of work to do.

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I have to do something. Talking about it last night....even posting tonight...hurts. Deep gut wrenching emotional wounds. But it's better than holding it in....I think.

2 comments:

Big Gay Jim said...

Aho. (I hear your words, and honor them.)

His Sinfulness said...

Maybe some reading? Pick out a favorite old novel (I use "The Great Gatsby") and lose yourself in it for a bit. I always come back from that thinking, "See, it's not so bad. My life is nowhere near as screwed up as Tom and Daisy's..."