brain hacking list

Faith
Strength
Fitness
Goal
De-stress
Commitment
Motivation
Enthusiasm
Active

Life hacking my brain

I have to do something. The stress mentioned in the last post has had lasting effects. I'm not sure why, but I can't just give up the stress and get over it. I keep clinging to it. Finding a reason to still be worried. Plus, for fun, somewhere along the way my ability to use will-power fled out the window. So on top of being stressed....which as a side note, is making me more stressed as now I have to worry about that too....now I'm having trouble making good decisions. Nothing life threatening...just not good for me in general. Things like inhaling a sundae that contains more calories than I normally eat in a couple days shouldn't be done....but damn, I'm sure it will taste great. And screw it. There goes the sundae. I've been having these issues for a while.

With Teel's support, I'm researching how to change my behaviors and get my will-power back. Life hacking is what those crazy internet kids are calling it today.  It seems to boil down to changing your bad habits by using positive self-talk to strengthen your brain...and hopefully strengthen your will power.


So now I'm busy wrapping my brain around personal power words. Step 1, here I come.

Making a comeback

A year.  A year! It has been a year since I last blogged. There's not much I can say. It wasn't intended. I'm positive that if I'm going to let the blog die it won't just be in lapsed silence.

This last year (I judge years by school years...or summer to summer) has been crazy. At school, I took on extra classes. I was teaching up to 5 class periods a day, when the norm is 3, without an actual prep period. That's a lot of work, with no break. It stressed me out to the point that I didn't even know I was grumpy and stressed. It was just the norm.  Professionally, I also took on trying to obtain my reading endorsement. This has been harder than I imagined. With experience teaching, the state of AZ doesn't believe that I need to actually become part of a college reading instruction program. But my first failed attempt at just taking the exam proved that I do need classes, so spare time has been funneled towards those classes. Due to the stress of work and college classes I've let my fitness plans slip. I've just been too tired to do any sort of exercise with any regularity. So, slowly over the last year I've put back on 15 lbs. This is most troubling because it means most of my clothes don't fit. Not even a little bit. It's sad and frustrating. Especially, considering at the beginning of the year I challenged myself into participating in the Dirty Girl 5K.  I was fit enough to participate. I did well....in fact I know I was stronger and in better shape than many of the participants....however, I was not able to run the full 5k. There were large lengths of the course that I walked. During all of this I was wrapped up in comicon. I took on a new position....which blossomed into a much bigger position unintentionally. I saw problems and tried to fix them. But that made my experience harder and frustrating.


And that was a load of rambling. But really the point is to say....I'm not sure how I'm going to get about it. I want to dial back. I want to relax and enjoy the things I'm doing again. Some of the plans include not taking on extra classes, getting back into my exercise routine (I'd love to lose those 15 lbs. again.), and pulling back out of the stressful things. Right now I believe that may also mean pulling back on my comicon involvement. It also means perhaps having time to blog without the thought just exhausting me. Or participating in NaNoWriMo?

I want to be happy again.  I want to relax. I'm tired of worrying about things.

A lesson finally learned...

(Note: The following is an issue I've struggled with for a long time. It's been on my heart since becoming Christian five years ago. It's been the focus of several conversations with family, friends, classmates, students, and others. It came back up during this summer's vacation and afterward when the Chic-Fil-A brouhaha started. This morning a teenager at my church spoke the words that cleared up the murk. Everything made sense, and I now have the words to explain my stance.)

Love thy neighbor... (Leviticus 19:18)
Love the least of these... (Matthew 25:40)
The world will know you (as Christian) by the love you give/show... (John 13:35)
Do unto others as you'd have done unto you...(Matthew 7:12) (AKA: The Golden Rule)

To those who are using/ understanding Christian to be a blanket term for hatred and ignorance, I challenge you to practice what you preach -- tolerance. No one is perfect, even Christians. The best way to stop hatred in its tracks is to show love brightly and strongly...not to throw anger back at it.

          You are upset that people/companies support groups who believe in things you don't. You

          make posts on social network sites expressing your anger and hatred for such actions. To 

          my eyes, you are showing just as much bigotry, hatred, and intolerance as you are "fighting"

          against. Perhaps, instead of being angry and boycotting a restaurant you should buy large

          amounts of their food, and then use it to feed the hungry...show the company that good can  

          come directly from their company...that they don't have to support hate groups.

This lesson also applies to Christians.  If you've read the bible at all, you know we are taught to love thy neighbor, judge not - lest ye be judged, and show God's love. Denying and/or trying to diminish the right's of others, as well as supporting groups that condemn others (whether under the name of God/Jesus or not) is blatantly ignoring these teachings (from the Old Testament as well as New). 

           As a Christian, and even before that, I know it is not my place to judge others. Homosexual 

           or heterosexual, rich or poor, whatever race you claim...we are all sinners. The only thing I 

          can do to/for you is to love you. I can accept you. I can support you. I can show you my 

          love and God's love. I can know that your sin is between you and God and I have no part

          in that, ultimately. Therefore, I will continue supporting gay rights. I will treasure my

          friends and family whose lives differ from my own. The rainbow makes this world a 

          beautiful place.

(Tangent: Yes, I know homosexuality is listed as a sin in various parts of the bible. There are also lots of places that are against heterosexuality....both expressly outside of marriage. An easy, simple, and no where written as going against the word of God solution is marriage. It works to erase the sins of heterosexuals. I see no reason why it shouldn't be the solution for homosexuals. Now the only thing standing in the way is the world (laws of man). To my eyes, this makes accepting gay / lesbian marriages all the more important. )

Changing sleep routines

I am not a happy happy girl right now. I'm sleepy. Very tired...mostly brain tired, but some physical tired. Know what I mean, Vern?  Of late I have not been sleeping well. It sucks. I'm wide awake somewhere between 12:30 and 2 am. Then it's taking all my power to stay in bed and doze for a few hours until my alarm goes off. If there's any noise at all or any light visible, I'm screwed. No sleep for me once I awake.

I hear that there's an article floating around that talks about how sleep splitting is more natural for the body. Maybe for some, but not for me. I'm not used to this. I'm usually in bed between 8:30-9:30 pm and stay asleep until 5:30 am. It's good, and I have all the energy I need to make it through the day again. This new waking up at 1 and barely napping until 5:30 am thing is for the birds. It's starting to frustrate me. By my last class, yesterday, I was having difficulty writing clearly on the boards, my spelling ability flew out the window, and I was yawning like crazy. It's fairly disruptive. I need sleep.

I don't know what's going on. I thought maybe stress, but the stressful things I'm aware of have been taken care of.  When I drank caffeine regularly, this might have been normal. However, I've been off caffeine for almost three years now. My family isn't being any more loud or active at night than normal. I'm exercise occasionally, try not to fall asleep watching tv, don't eat immediately before bed, read until I'm dropping my book and snoring more than reading. Yet, I'll still be awake at 1 am.

Help.

New hobby

I'm slowly learning the skill of machine sewing. This is a very good thing.  Today, I completed my first all-by-myself purse.  It's a bit small for an all-the-time bag, but will be great for those times when I don't want to carry everything in the world with me (it fits my wallet, glasses case, and phone with only a little room to spare)...or even as a formal purse. It's pretty!

 This is a pretty good shot...it shows off the different patterned materials that I put together. They are all in the same shades and have a metallic sheen to them. Ooh la, la!

Isn't it pretty?

And the bad

Sometimes it really sucks to work with At-Risk kids. This is especially true when you find out that they haven't overcome the risks.

Near the end of the last school year I found out that a former student of mine did something exceedingly stupid. He tried to steal a laptop from a little girl on the street. Sadly, she wouldn't let go of her laptop and was drug behind the car...killing her. The boy, and the his friend with him, were caught and thrown in prison.


A facebook message tonight alerted me to the fact that my student will probably never see the outside world again. He was charged with murder 1 and a couple of other charges including trafficing.

I don't know how to feel about this. He was (as far as I knew him) a good kid who just deserved a chance.  But, I'm also glad that he will be paying the consequences for this.

A New Year

Out with the old. In with the new.  ~ A fresh start. ~ Time to make some resolutions! ~ Time to reevaluate. 


I don't really know which philosophy I ascribe to. They all seem reasonable....in some form or another. I can see how they would work for people. I also understand why many people cave and ditch the resolutions before the first month is even up. Change is hard. Admitting that you're flawed is hard. Asking for help, admitting you need help, getting help....it's all hard.

I don't usually make resolutions. But over the past two years I have set some goals for myself. Yes, I originally set these goals in January, but they weren't really New Year's resolutions. They were just things I wanted to work on.

Last year's goals: 1. Keep the weight off and get healthier.  Check!  (I feel really good about where I am and how my health is going.)
                            2.  Relax.  Try to curb the drastic mood swings and stress outs.   Check. (There has been a noted decrease in the amount of emotional craziness coming from me. Still a ways to go, though.)
                            3. Start listening and trusting in God, more.   Check. (This goes hand in hand with the stress thing and I'm positive that He is the peace I needed.  Still a long journey here, too.)
                            4.  Love.    Check!!
                            5. Evaluate and let go of things that weren't working for me.  Check! (Book review blog gone. Trying to fit in with other's views of me as a Christian, Teacher, Woman.............mostly gone.)


For 2012  I'm putting my goals out for the world to see...

1. Faith (in God, in others, in myself)
2. Love
3. Japan (if you don't know...just wait, I'll explain sooner or later)
4. Travel  (because I haven't really and I want to)
5. Write more  (maybe if I practice more events like NaNoWriMo won't be so stressful.)
6. Be less judgmental  (I am terribly judgmental (of people ~ real and on the internet) and honestly have no reason to be)
7. Read the books on my shelves. (My brain cracked last night and I had a fit about which book to read. Must read the unread books that are filling up four of my shelves before I buy/borrow more.)
8. Bike (Ride it more, fix it up a bit, enjoy it more often)
9. Crochet (do more, learn more, be less frustrated with something I enjoy)
10. Learn to sew (I would like to be able to make myself skirts and purses)

So there they are. My goals. They are not resolutions. They are not to the exclusion of everything else. They aren't taking the place of past goals. There is still a lot of work left to do on those. They are just goals....things to make me a better me. It will be interesting to come back next Dec 31 and see what these goals have become.

That time...

Once a month, for about a week or so, I become a walking cliche....a stereotype. A bitching woman with PMS. Gaaa! I hate this. I used to be so proud that generally I didn't have any of those symptoms. Sure I got cramps, but nothing that would alter my mood. I wasn't irrationally angry for a week. Nothing. You probably wouldn't even know it was my time unless I'd said something about cramps.

But apparently, not any more. Now it's like clock work. I can see people steeling themselves preparing for battle. Well, maybe not people, but my husband at least. It frustrates me beyond all belief to see and feel an argument over something honestly inane coming on and not be able to do anything. On top of that is the fight itself. Another thing I hate. I don't pick fights over things that matter to me. I bitch about surface level things that only matter a small amount. Large fights. No reason. I can even recognize there is no reason during the argument...that doesn't stop it.

I've tried a few things to help keep me more even keeled. But they only help when my body is behaving the way it should....which is only about half the time it seems. With my weight loss, periods have been a whole new experience. I'm sure the marked increase in PMS symptoms is part of that. 

On top of everything, picking fights leaves me in a grumpy mood for hours if not days after. Gee, just what everyone needs! But then, a troublesome bit of my brain kicks in and all will power is gone. I go back to comfort over eating. Self- sabotage. I know it. I am nearly powerless to avoid it.  Which then leads to more grumpiness but dammit why can't I control myself. I worked hard to lose this weight. No gaining it back. And Wham! The cycle continues.

I hate PMS!

A walk in the doldrums

I'm not depressed. At least I don't believe I am. I'm just dissatisfied with myself right now. I feel like I'm always snipping angrily, or I'm always tired. I don't do the things I decided I want to do each day.

For several days/weeks now the thought has been on the top of my to-do list, to get off my ass and update all my blogs. In particular this one, and my book blog. I especially hate the way no one comments on the book blog any more, but I can't really blame them...I haven't done anything community wise myself for over a year now.

I dislike that I've all but stopped working out. I'm down to maybe half an hour three times a week. This is my fault, I know. I need to make myself do it, but I'm finding the attraction of sitting like a lump after a day at school more relaxing than exercise. Along those lines, I hate that I'm still losing weight but my waist size has not gone down at all. When I look in the mirror I can see that I've lost weight...even around my waist, but measuring and by feel, I'm still carrying around the chub.

I know I shouldn't begrudge myself having to do homework...such as grading and prepwork. But this is the first time in four years, that I've had to bring home work almost every night and weekend. Usually, it is just once or twice a block. I'm not sure what the difference is. Yes, I'm teaching an extra class, but it is a class I don't have to prepare for. I show up and watch the kids take a class on the computer. I'm there to babysit and grade their essays.  I'm also teaching science fiction, which seems to be taking a lot of prep time, but since I've revamped it that should come as no surprise. I just don't understand why this block is suddenly so much busier on the school front  than before.

I thought I believed in God. I still feel that this and this choice in religion is right for me. But that is about all I know right now. I can't trust myself, my judgement, my faith. It's hard to believe in anything concerning God/Christianity right now. Even just thinking about it brings me to tears....and talking about it starts arguments, nearly nightly, with my husband.

I miss being the story teller I was. That's what this blog used to be. I had a way with words, or I thought I did. Now, I'm either babbling aimlessly or bitching.

I miss being the optimistic person I thought I was. I remember thinking / seeing the best in people....but that seems to have gone the way of snow in my life....non-existent.

The doldrums are a murky place, filled with traps that a girl could easily get lost in. I know I'm at least half-way through them....I can see the light....see the end. I just hope this isn't a trick.

File under TMI

My body is changing and I hate it. I understand that as women.........hell, as a human, as we age our body has to adjust and change. I guess I never really thought much about it though. But now... It seems like every day I'm finding something new that is changing, that reacts differently, that wasn't the way it used to be. On the not most important, but most annoying scale is my new found irritability.  I get annoyed. A lot. And boy howdy, fast. Things that I used to be able to write off and / or ignore, now stick with me. I find myself growling and holding grudges for things that truly have no effect on me. I'm sure the change is something hormonal, as it gets worse during my period. This is a big change! I was so proud that I could say my personality didn't really change.....but I can't say that any more.


*sigh*

Add to that lovely new things like changes in my skin (dear God will I ever stop having acne?) and a new found sensitivity to caffeine.........I'm so not a happy girl right now.

Actually, that's not right. I'm just cranky and irritable because it's 1125 pm and I'm usually dead asleep at 930. I'm actually quite tired, but I can't get my brain to shut up and I blame the combo of nap, exercise, sex, and caffeine. My processors just can't figure out what they are supposed to do with that much stimulant and have decided that driving me batty is the best course. Which pisses me off to the point that I want to cry because I can't sleep now, which likely means I'll be dead tired for tomorrow and there are things I want to be awake for ( I won tickets to a matinee at the symphony). Gaaaa!!!! See what I mean. That paragraph was meant to be about how I'm not really angry but instead I'm now in tears.

Stupid body.

Minor Victory!

Woot! I achieved minor victory today by reaching one of those silly, completely arbitrary goals. I've been working out consistantly for the last two months. It wasn't really a New Year's resolution...more of just a decision to not be soft, squishy, and have an ass that was shaped like my sofa.  I've been working out with the WiiFit Plus, yoga tapes, walking, light weight training at the school gym, and even occasionally running.  Something is paying off. Clothes are looser. I can feel the muscles where before it was just squishy.

I didn't really have a goal though. To not be sofa shaped doesn't give a  lot of detail. I didn't have a specific number/ weight in mind...except to be under 200. Instead I chose the completely arbitrary goal of moving my BMI from obese (I know I was on the low side of obese.....and I know the BMI is a flawed system...most Olympians are considered obese too.) to just plain overweight.  I hit that today!

 

If you haven't seen the WiiFit chart, this is basically what a person would see every time they weighed in. This isn't my chart...obviously I'm not a male. But it is a good image to show you why my achievement was a silly goal. Yes, it does mean less weight and better health, but really the part that got me all excited was the validation of seeing that little blue arrow and line move from within Obese at the top to Overweight. Now, if only the Mii would somehow show the loss of 10 lbs. on it. 

Inner Granola Girl Strikes Again

I like the Earth. I like the world I live in. I wish I was more connected with the Earth. I try, admittedly in little ways, to do this as often as I can. I'm aware of my carbon foot print. It could definitely be better, but right now the commute to work is a necessity. At home we recycle. In fact, most weeks we produce twice to three times as much recyclable materials than we do actual garbage.  While we haven't moved to growing our own foods yet, we are conscious of what foods we are eating and what's in them.  (It's become a bit of a joke to see exactly how many different kinds of sugars / corns are in foods we aren't buying.)

Lately, I've been thinking about things like this. Some of it was brought on by random events and some is pretty superficial...but I'm still thinking about it.

One of the things that I'm really interested in is the "No 'Poo" movement. At first I was confused by the name, but that is easily remedied. It stands for no shampoo. The fundamentals behind the movement are that commercial shampoos are filled with chemicals that are actually do more damage to our hair than we expect. In fact, most of us use these shampoos and conditioners to solve hair damage issues. But they are actually making them worse. There are also environmental factors to take into account...such as plastic containers. Also, a person can save money by using baking soda and apple cider vinegar over buying new shampoos and conditioners.

I don't know about that, but I do know that my hair is pretty severely damaged. I did it. First blond, then pink, then brown cover up. Ouch! The damage is making my hair break easily, knot up severely, and just generally feel icky.  I've been nearly desperate for help. I've considered chopping it off and starting from scratch, but I really like the length and cut of my hair right now, so that's not an option.  Teel thinks I shampoo my hair too often. After much research, I agree.  I don't know if I could completely go no shampoo, but I do know that I don't like products/chemicals in my hair. Never have.
So my plan right now is to cut out the everyday shampoos. I can't give up showering every day (yes, I know that wastes a lot of water, but I limit my time and its my indulgence.) but I can go to washing my hair every other day. Sort of. My first baby step is to go to washing only my bangs and part on the days off. Those areas get the oiliest. My hope is that once I'm used to washing my whole head less....and if it is actually showing improvement on the health of my hair, I'll go fully to less and less shampooing. Eventually, maybe, I'll go to no 'poo.

One of the things I liked the most about all of the "no 'poo" websites I looked at was that people/ commenters were more than willing to say when it worked and when it didn't. I especially liked that for people who tried it and didn't like the out comes there wasn't a angry don't do it comment in the bunch. People were reasonable, explained what worked or didn't, and then explained what they were doing instead. This is refreshing and boosts my confidence in the movement. Also, I really like that none of the people who tried it went back to commercial shampoos. Some did talk about natural shampoos - usually filled with herbal oils. Even this gives me hope. If I try it and just absolutely hate it - I am a granola girl at heart, but I was brought up in the world with shampoos and conditioners - I can still find ways to help my hair and world.

Here's to happy, healthy hair!