Making a comeback

A year.  A year! It has been a year since I last blogged. There's not much I can say. It wasn't intended. I'm positive that if I'm going to let the blog die it won't just be in lapsed silence.

This last year (I judge years by school years...or summer to summer) has been crazy. At school, I took on extra classes. I was teaching up to 5 class periods a day, when the norm is 3, without an actual prep period. That's a lot of work, with no break. It stressed me out to the point that I didn't even know I was grumpy and stressed. It was just the norm.  Professionally, I also took on trying to obtain my reading endorsement. This has been harder than I imagined. With experience teaching, the state of AZ doesn't believe that I need to actually become part of a college reading instruction program. But my first failed attempt at just taking the exam proved that I do need classes, so spare time has been funneled towards those classes. Due to the stress of work and college classes I've let my fitness plans slip. I've just been too tired to do any sort of exercise with any regularity. So, slowly over the last year I've put back on 15 lbs. This is most troubling because it means most of my clothes don't fit. Not even a little bit. It's sad and frustrating. Especially, considering at the beginning of the year I challenged myself into participating in the Dirty Girl 5K.  I was fit enough to participate. I did well....in fact I know I was stronger and in better shape than many of the participants....however, I was not able to run the full 5k. There were large lengths of the course that I walked. During all of this I was wrapped up in comicon. I took on a new position....which blossomed into a much bigger position unintentionally. I saw problems and tried to fix them. But that made my experience harder and frustrating.


And that was a load of rambling. But really the point is to say....I'm not sure how I'm going to get about it. I want to dial back. I want to relax and enjoy the things I'm doing again. Some of the plans include not taking on extra classes, getting back into my exercise routine (I'd love to lose those 15 lbs. again.), and pulling back out of the stressful things. Right now I believe that may also mean pulling back on my comicon involvement. It also means perhaps having time to blog without the thought just exhausting me. Or participating in NaNoWriMo?

I want to be happy again.  I want to relax. I'm tired of worrying about things.

Changing sleep routines

I am not a happy happy girl right now. I'm sleepy. Very tired...mostly brain tired, but some physical tired. Know what I mean, Vern?  Of late I have not been sleeping well. It sucks. I'm wide awake somewhere between 12:30 and 2 am. Then it's taking all my power to stay in bed and doze for a few hours until my alarm goes off. If there's any noise at all or any light visible, I'm screwed. No sleep for me once I awake.

I hear that there's an article floating around that talks about how sleep splitting is more natural for the body. Maybe for some, but not for me. I'm not used to this. I'm usually in bed between 8:30-9:30 pm and stay asleep until 5:30 am. It's good, and I have all the energy I need to make it through the day again. This new waking up at 1 and barely napping until 5:30 am thing is for the birds. It's starting to frustrate me. By my last class, yesterday, I was having difficulty writing clearly on the boards, my spelling ability flew out the window, and I was yawning like crazy. It's fairly disruptive. I need sleep.

I don't know what's going on. I thought maybe stress, but the stressful things I'm aware of have been taken care of.  When I drank caffeine regularly, this might have been normal. However, I've been off caffeine for almost three years now. My family isn't being any more loud or active at night than normal. I'm exercise occasionally, try not to fall asleep watching tv, don't eat immediately before bed, read until I'm dropping my book and snoring more than reading. Yet, I'll still be awake at 1 am.

Help.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I over-eat....trying to smother the bad feelings.
Sometimes I watch sad tv/movies....trying to cry away the bad feelings.

I've learned to pray....to give up the bad feelings.

None of these is working tonight.

Now my stomach hurts.  I can't stop the tears but I'm not really crying either. I've said the same prayer over and over. I know it by heart. God knows it, and I'm pretty sure he just wants me to stop. But I can't. So. Now my brain is running in circles. I want to stay up late and watch Grey's Anatomy. I don't think I can actually sleep. Staying on the sofa isn't the answer.


Also. I may be going crazy. Today got to me.

Something about Sunday

There is just something. Something about Sunday. There is something about this particular Sunday...and other like it, that helps me slide into introspection. Today's topic seems to be friendship and or more accurately my homebody behavior.

I do this thing. I know I do it. It was pointed out to me in the past as being negative, but I no longer know if it is. I like to spend time with the person I love. Sometimes to the exclusion of all other people. I let the object of my affection take up all my time. This was a negative. Previously, this focused attention kept me from my friends, from others I adore, from places and events, and from myself.

I realized today that while I do have local friends, I don't often see most of them. The two or three people I consider to be my friends from work....I see daily there, but only once in a great while outside the school system. Friends from geek circles are usually only seen at geek events. The rest of the time I use twitter and facebook to keep up with them. Friends from kink circles have all but faded. There are still a few I consider friends, and keep in touch with, but yet again....it is only through twitter and facebook.

I don't even really call and chat with people.

I don't think my lack of social interaction is truly a negative thing, this time. Sure I spend most of my time with my husband, but that's good. We get along and are interested in many of the same things. I'm not missing events or people because of my time with him.  We just don't go out often. A large portion of this is due to money....or lack there of. Some is location. We live in a different part of the valley than most of my friends. And another portion goes to time. My weekly schedule doesn't allow for much socialization on weekdays...even with Teel. Weekends are available, but then I have to get over my own personal homebody tendencies.

I'm usually much more willing to stay home and be comfy than drive across town to hang out for a couple hours.

I haven't decided where this post is going or has ended up. I don't know if I actually miss having a large group of friends that I saw daily....or if these small interactions are fine. I do know that there is something about this Sunday that is pointing out how much I miss having one or two close friends to just hang out with occasionally.

A walk in the doldrums

I'm not depressed. At least I don't believe I am. I'm just dissatisfied with myself right now. I feel like I'm always snipping angrily, or I'm always tired. I don't do the things I decided I want to do each day.

For several days/weeks now the thought has been on the top of my to-do list, to get off my ass and update all my blogs. In particular this one, and my book blog. I especially hate the way no one comments on the book blog any more, but I can't really blame them...I haven't done anything community wise myself for over a year now.

I dislike that I've all but stopped working out. I'm down to maybe half an hour three times a week. This is my fault, I know. I need to make myself do it, but I'm finding the attraction of sitting like a lump after a day at school more relaxing than exercise. Along those lines, I hate that I'm still losing weight but my waist size has not gone down at all. When I look in the mirror I can see that I've lost weight...even around my waist, but measuring and by feel, I'm still carrying around the chub.

I know I shouldn't begrudge myself having to do homework...such as grading and prepwork. But this is the first time in four years, that I've had to bring home work almost every night and weekend. Usually, it is just once or twice a block. I'm not sure what the difference is. Yes, I'm teaching an extra class, but it is a class I don't have to prepare for. I show up and watch the kids take a class on the computer. I'm there to babysit and grade their essays.  I'm also teaching science fiction, which seems to be taking a lot of prep time, but since I've revamped it that should come as no surprise. I just don't understand why this block is suddenly so much busier on the school front  than before.

I thought I believed in God. I still feel that this and this choice in religion is right for me. But that is about all I know right now. I can't trust myself, my judgement, my faith. It's hard to believe in anything concerning God/Christianity right now. Even just thinking about it brings me to tears....and talking about it starts arguments, nearly nightly, with my husband.

I miss being the story teller I was. That's what this blog used to be. I had a way with words, or I thought I did. Now, I'm either babbling aimlessly or bitching.

I miss being the optimistic person I thought I was. I remember thinking / seeing the best in people....but that seems to have gone the way of snow in my life....non-existent.

The doldrums are a murky place, filled with traps that a girl could easily get lost in. I know I'm at least half-way through them....I can see the light....see the end. I just hope this isn't a trick.

Something's in the air

I've been strangely productive today. Normally, productivity wouldn't be anything worthy of a blog post, but like I said this is strange. Lately, I've been anything but productive. I'm pretty sure I even blogged about how frustrating it was....or something vaguely related to my non-productivity. School started back up recently and that was enough to kick my daily routine into gear. I do have to prepped and ready for daily classes. Plus, being capable of getting things done means less time doing non-fun things on weekends. This is different though. From the time I woke up, throughout the school day, even this evening at home...I've been getting things done. I don't quite understand it, but I'm not going to toss this gift away. I was able to get up this morning and make a series comments on various blogs. I even made a couple friends on a new book forum. School went smoothly. I was able to finish all of my planned school tasks plus some - which is awesome in my opinion. I don't often get even my planned tasks done daily. At home there has been more blog comments, a book review, this post, t.v. shows enjoyed....and there is still time! I just needed to get this day down in mandyland history. *bouncy bouncy*

Flaws (Much rambling below - read at your own risk)

I've been quite selfish, needy, and lacking will-power lately....most of this summer in fact. I'm not sure what's behind it, but I do know my will-power or lack there of has not stretched out a hand to help me overcome it. I just keep wanting things. I want a new dress, need new clothes, want to go out to eat, want to travel, want to spend money on silly things...just want. I also want to loose weight, want to exercise more....want. Unfortunately, I can't. I know that's a stupid argument. I should just do it. If I worked out more regularly, if I lost the weight....I know. I KNOW! That doesn't make me any more capable of overcoming my lethargy.

A small bit of the problem stems from contradictory wants. For example: I want to lose weight, but I also want that bowl of chocolate ice cream. I've tried the ignoring the yummy food route. I've tried the limiting the amount of goodies that can come in the house. If they aren't here I don't want them, but that's not fair to Teel. I've even tried using one as a reward for doing the other. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not the 210-215 lbs. I was when I moved to Havasu, but I'm only a little under that and have lost all semblance of muscle tone. I'm squishy all over. Gah.

Another silly frustration is my hair. I'm pretty sure that for the first time since high school I'm sporting what can only be called my natural color. It's bland. It's dull. I don't like it. I don't want to dye it either....not really...mostly because I want a fun, dramatic, not found on humans naturally color. I can't do that though (I tried blue at the beginning of summer. It had faded out completely in two weeks and had stripped my hair of natural colors too) with school only a month away and the corporation I work for being under the impression that colorful hair is not professional. I'm also battling wanting to go get my hair cut....short. Will power is helping me out here, a bit, but only through a bribe/goal. It's hot here, as in I'm sweating sitting on my sofa in the air-conditioned house hot. My hair is long and therefore irritating in the hotness. It's in my way. It's flat and sticky and messy and really the only thing I can do (beyond killing basic grammar and punctuation rules) is pull it back. I'm not actually a fan of that. I do like it being long though, because occasionally it plays along and allows me to do some nifty hairstyles. Also, for some strange reason, I don't want to cut my hair. I'd like to see how long I can get it, or if I'm correct in thinking it will not get any longer than my shoulders. It's an odd thing.

I'm aware that these are mostly superficial and unnecessary things to worry about...to even be fretting about. They, however, are making me quite irritated with myself, and I keep seeing bits of that irritation seeping into my conversations and dealings with other people. I don't want to taint them, bother them, upset them just because I'm being a whiny brat. I keep apologizing to Teel, as he's getting most of it, but I can't seem to stop doing it. He's been remarkable nice, but still...

I don't know how to get out of this apathetic lull. Maybe having spilled some of all over the Internet will be the kick in the pants I'm looking for. Or maybe it'll go into the pile of things I don't know how to fix.

The oldest I've been, yet.

I don't exactly know why this birthday is shaping up to be harder than the others, but it is. I started feeling it a couple weeks ago. It's hard to explain. A bunch of little things - things that really shouldn't weigh this much - are all ganging up to make me feel old. Some of them are silly things.....like facing the associations I've made with old people going to bed early and seeing that I'm usually asleep before 10, even when I want to be up. Others are not so silly, but still shouldn't be dragging me down. I feel really old right now. Some of it is mentally old. It's been noted recently that I've started forgetting things, and these aren't little oops forgets but rather I should be remembering this without a problem, but have forgotten slip ups. It is somewhat scary. If I'm this bad at almost 32 how will I be at almost 62?

I don't actually want to turn 32. There are so many things that I want to do....or that I wanted to do before now. Not that I've had the time, money, or opportunity to do them, but on my fantastical 'what do I want to do with my life' list there were some big things. There are some things that are getting harder/farther from my ability to accomplish them.

I've never really been one to worry about my age and what it meant or what it was supposed to make me. That is most of what is making this birthday so odd. Why am I worried about this? What makes this number any different than the last?