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Life hacking my brain

I have to do something. The stress mentioned in the last post has had lasting effects. I'm not sure why, but I can't just give up the stress and get over it. I keep clinging to it. Finding a reason to still be worried. Plus, for fun, somewhere along the way my ability to use will-power fled out the window. So on top of being stressed....which as a side note, is making me more stressed as now I have to worry about that too....now I'm having trouble making good decisions. Nothing life threatening...just not good for me in general. Things like inhaling a sundae that contains more calories than I normally eat in a couple days shouldn't be done....but damn, I'm sure it will taste great. And screw it. There goes the sundae. I've been having these issues for a while.

With Teel's support, I'm researching how to change my behaviors and get my will-power back. Life hacking is what those crazy internet kids are calling it today.  It seems to boil down to changing your bad habits by using positive self-talk to strengthen your brain...and hopefully strengthen your will power.


So now I'm busy wrapping my brain around personal power words. Step 1, here I come.

Making a comeback

A year.  A year! It has been a year since I last blogged. There's not much I can say. It wasn't intended. I'm positive that if I'm going to let the blog die it won't just be in lapsed silence.

This last year (I judge years by school years...or summer to summer) has been crazy. At school, I took on extra classes. I was teaching up to 5 class periods a day, when the norm is 3, without an actual prep period. That's a lot of work, with no break. It stressed me out to the point that I didn't even know I was grumpy and stressed. It was just the norm.  Professionally, I also took on trying to obtain my reading endorsement. This has been harder than I imagined. With experience teaching, the state of AZ doesn't believe that I need to actually become part of a college reading instruction program. But my first failed attempt at just taking the exam proved that I do need classes, so spare time has been funneled towards those classes. Due to the stress of work and college classes I've let my fitness plans slip. I've just been too tired to do any sort of exercise with any regularity. So, slowly over the last year I've put back on 15 lbs. This is most troubling because it means most of my clothes don't fit. Not even a little bit. It's sad and frustrating. Especially, considering at the beginning of the year I challenged myself into participating in the Dirty Girl 5K.  I was fit enough to participate. I did well....in fact I know I was stronger and in better shape than many of the participants....however, I was not able to run the full 5k. There were large lengths of the course that I walked. During all of this I was wrapped up in comicon. I took on a new position....which blossomed into a much bigger position unintentionally. I saw problems and tried to fix them. But that made my experience harder and frustrating.


And that was a load of rambling. But really the point is to say....I'm not sure how I'm going to get about it. I want to dial back. I want to relax and enjoy the things I'm doing again. Some of the plans include not taking on extra classes, getting back into my exercise routine (I'd love to lose those 15 lbs. again.), and pulling back out of the stressful things. Right now I believe that may also mean pulling back on my comicon involvement. It also means perhaps having time to blog without the thought just exhausting me. Or participating in NaNoWriMo?

I want to be happy again.  I want to relax. I'm tired of worrying about things.

A lesson finally learned...

(Note: The following is an issue I've struggled with for a long time. It's been on my heart since becoming Christian five years ago. It's been the focus of several conversations with family, friends, classmates, students, and others. It came back up during this summer's vacation and afterward when the Chic-Fil-A brouhaha started. This morning a teenager at my church spoke the words that cleared up the murk. Everything made sense, and I now have the words to explain my stance.)

Love thy neighbor... (Leviticus 19:18)
Love the least of these... (Matthew 25:40)
The world will know you (as Christian) by the love you give/show... (John 13:35)
Do unto others as you'd have done unto you...(Matthew 7:12) (AKA: The Golden Rule)

To those who are using/ understanding Christian to be a blanket term for hatred and ignorance, I challenge you to practice what you preach -- tolerance. No one is perfect, even Christians. The best way to stop hatred in its tracks is to show love brightly and strongly...not to throw anger back at it.

          You are upset that people/companies support groups who believe in things you don't. You

          make posts on social network sites expressing your anger and hatred for such actions. To 

          my eyes, you are showing just as much bigotry, hatred, and intolerance as you are "fighting"

          against. Perhaps, instead of being angry and boycotting a restaurant you should buy large

          amounts of their food, and then use it to feed the hungry...show the company that good can  

          come directly from their company...that they don't have to support hate groups.

This lesson also applies to Christians.  If you've read the bible at all, you know we are taught to love thy neighbor, judge not - lest ye be judged, and show God's love. Denying and/or trying to diminish the right's of others, as well as supporting groups that condemn others (whether under the name of God/Jesus or not) is blatantly ignoring these teachings (from the Old Testament as well as New). 

           As a Christian, and even before that, I know it is not my place to judge others. Homosexual 

           or heterosexual, rich or poor, whatever race you claim...we are all sinners. The only thing I 

          can do to/for you is to love you. I can accept you. I can support you. I can show you my 

          love and God's love. I can know that your sin is between you and God and I have no part

          in that, ultimately. Therefore, I will continue supporting gay rights. I will treasure my

          friends and family whose lives differ from my own. The rainbow makes this world a 

          beautiful place.

(Tangent: Yes, I know homosexuality is listed as a sin in various parts of the bible. There are also lots of places that are against heterosexuality....both expressly outside of marriage. An easy, simple, and no where written as going against the word of God solution is marriage. It works to erase the sins of heterosexuals. I see no reason why it shouldn't be the solution for homosexuals. Now the only thing standing in the way is the world (laws of man). To my eyes, this makes accepting gay / lesbian marriages all the more important. )

Changing sleep routines

I am not a happy happy girl right now. I'm sleepy. Very tired...mostly brain tired, but some physical tired. Know what I mean, Vern?  Of late I have not been sleeping well. It sucks. I'm wide awake somewhere between 12:30 and 2 am. Then it's taking all my power to stay in bed and doze for a few hours until my alarm goes off. If there's any noise at all or any light visible, I'm screwed. No sleep for me once I awake.

I hear that there's an article floating around that talks about how sleep splitting is more natural for the body. Maybe for some, but not for me. I'm not used to this. I'm usually in bed between 8:30-9:30 pm and stay asleep until 5:30 am. It's good, and I have all the energy I need to make it through the day again. This new waking up at 1 and barely napping until 5:30 am thing is for the birds. It's starting to frustrate me. By my last class, yesterday, I was having difficulty writing clearly on the boards, my spelling ability flew out the window, and I was yawning like crazy. It's fairly disruptive. I need sleep.

I don't know what's going on. I thought maybe stress, but the stressful things I'm aware of have been taken care of.  When I drank caffeine regularly, this might have been normal. However, I've been off caffeine for almost three years now. My family isn't being any more loud or active at night than normal. I'm exercise occasionally, try not to fall asleep watching tv, don't eat immediately before bed, read until I'm dropping my book and snoring more than reading. Yet, I'll still be awake at 1 am.

Help.

New hobby

I'm slowly learning the skill of machine sewing. This is a very good thing.  Today, I completed my first all-by-myself purse.  It's a bit small for an all-the-time bag, but will be great for those times when I don't want to carry everything in the world with me (it fits my wallet, glasses case, and phone with only a little room to spare)...or even as a formal purse. It's pretty!

 This is a pretty good shot...it shows off the different patterned materials that I put together. They are all in the same shades and have a metallic sheen to them. Ooh la, la!

Isn't it pretty?

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I over-eat....trying to smother the bad feelings.
Sometimes I watch sad tv/movies....trying to cry away the bad feelings.

I've learned to pray....to give up the bad feelings.

None of these is working tonight.

Now my stomach hurts.  I can't stop the tears but I'm not really crying either. I've said the same prayer over and over. I know it by heart. God knows it, and I'm pretty sure he just wants me to stop. But I can't. So. Now my brain is running in circles. I want to stay up late and watch Grey's Anatomy. I don't think I can actually sleep. Staying on the sofa isn't the answer.


Also. I may be going crazy. Today got to me.