January 27, 2008

Rain...rain...

Our home has a tin roof. Not the Dust-bowl era pressed tin ceilings but tin in place of the clay shingles that seem so popular here. I'm not sure if it helps or hinders heating, but I haven't been thinking about that today. Today, under the near constant down pour of rain, the tin roof was beautiful. Each drop was amplified. I pulled back the curtains, made myself a nest on the bed, read a book, and let the soft echo of the drops fill me up.

I'm working on letting lots of things go and readjusting how I view others. Over the last couple weeks I've been a little lost in my feelings. I was told that my uncle was found dead in his apartment. The exact details aren't necessary but this news was the first my family had heard of him in at least 5 years.......more if you count his slowly disconnecting from the family before that. It's still hard for me to understand which feelings I'm supposed to have. Some of the time I feel very little. I haven't seen or heard from him in somewhere near 5 or 6 years and before that, while I was a teen-ager, we really only saw each other at holidays, sometimes not even then. I didn't really know the man he'd become. It's easy to acknowledge sorrow for his passing and then just continue on as if nothing really changed in my life. Other times I'm nearly torn apart. It's easy to pull up memories of him from my past. I adored that man. He was a strange old hippy even when he was younger. He gave me my first Janis Joplin and Oingo Boingo albums, he encouraged my pop-culture geekiness when others just thought I was odd. It's nearly impossible for me to reconcile my memories and feelings for that versioin of him with the version the police have presented. Then the thoughts of family rush in. He is part of my family, no matter how fractured and small we are, why couldn't we take care of him? It's so easy to let these emotions was over me. I'm remembering and letting him go. I know deep in my heart, that no matter what happened or didn't happen here, that he is in a better place. There is no possible way for it to be worse than the hell that was created here.

I've also become frustrated with my search for a comfortable church home. With the move across town, I have a nearly 2 hour round trip drive every weekday. I use more than my share of gas (my bad environmental tendancies are also weighty) without the half hour drive back across town to the church I had started attending. I've been bouncing around trying out new churches. It's more than a bit overwhelming. There are things I know I'd like to have in a church (acceptance of everyone no matter the -ism), things I know I need in the church (study classes, music, energy)..........but knowing these things seems to make it harder. I attend a church and have the moments of worship I'm given interrupted by new, strange things that I'm not sure I like. Then I spend time nit-picking and trying to decided if what is bothering me bothers me for a legitimate reason or if I'm just slightly uncomfortable because all of this is new. Then I get frustrated. Then upset at myself for the frustration. It's a stupid cycle. It had been bothering me enough that I was trying to rush through the process, to try as many churches as I could. But the rush isn't helping, it's just stressing me out.

Today's rain helped me put these things at ease. It calmed and washed over me, literally and figuratively. Sometimes a day alone in my head with the help of Mother Nature is the perfect remedy. I can't promise that I won't be stressed about either of these again, but I can say the the mental and emotional knots will be easier to untangle when/if they do happen.

3 comments:

His Sinfulness said...

Based on your description of your wants, I suggest that you look for a UU church...

Big Gay Jim said...

I was gonna say the same thing...

Mandy said...

Actually, I found a great church, but it is no longer based in Phoenix...and I can't seem to find any splinter groups from it.

The UU groups here are full of nice people but very odd gatherings. And/or they seem to move places without letting people know.....I'm constantly lost when it comes to them.

But thanks for the suggestions.