March 25, 2007


In the midst of a good, busy, long weekend I was struck by a bout of insecurity. At the time I labeled it paranoia, which I suppose it was to some extent but not really. It wasn't brought on by anyone, fueled by anything, it was just me twisting things in my brain.

Generally, what happens when I have too much open time is that one concept, usually a flaw I see in myself, gets sucked up and latched onto. I have to then deal with it under everything else that I want to do. But, that has traditionally been brought on by lots of free time...or so I thought. This last week has been springbreak and I've been busy. Reading, walking with friends, lesson planning, cleaning, visiting peoples in Phoenix, writing a story, studying for a test, and so many other things that it often didn't get to feel like break (except that I could sleep later than normal sometimes). It still hit.

I was mulling over attractiveness while I sang with the radio, while I spent time with those I care about, while I talked to a doctor, and while I ate latkes. I went through journeys that included silly things like hairstyle, glass, and acne. I went to weight and body shape. I visited with will power and dedication. I also realized that it is silly that I do this. But, I do that every time...which is what fuels it to some part.

This time it took the strangest combination of things to bring be back to reality. It was part visual/mental and part physical. A tour through Body Works had me thinking about my body in a more detailed way....less frivolous. Then while I was still wrapping my brain around everything I'd seen, there was a party with a great group of people. Without ever knowing that they were helping, they did. Being willing to visit, goof, flirt, and touch was what they offered. It was much appreciated and I got to know a few people, who I really enjoy, better. Yay!

I'm not entirely sure how those two situations worked together, but they did.