December 26, 2006

A lesson learned...

I'm not usually very good at picking up on the more subtle "lessons" that the gods hand out. In most cases, I often don't catch on until the point is being pounded into my head/heart with a sledge hammer. This holiday provided me with an opportunity to see and acknowledge something....something that while I knew it, I hadn't given it weight or power yet...it wasn't real to me. Maybe it was the cold meds that helped me along? Or...more likely...I am finally open enough to acknowledge this is real.


I'm happy.



That looks strange sitting out there without an exclamation mark, but this isn't a bouncy twirly momentary satisfaction thing. There are elements of that, yes, but there is also care, joy, trust, love, support, and so many other parts. The statement is perfect with the way it is.

I realized today that I was not experiencing any of the "drop" that I often do when leaving my family/friends in Phoenix. When I took a moment to ask myself why my heart gave the answer....I'm happy.

This time last year was awful for me. I was in a poor pitiful me mood the entire season. I was being selfish. There were friends around, but I wasn't close to any of them yet...not really. I was alone in a new town, and my family/friends were miles away.

My father sent me an email a couple days ago. He wanted to remind me that Christmas wasn't about presents it was about God. I think he missed the point. December 25th is a random date. I've always believed that this holiday is for celebrating your family. Sort of a Thanksgiving - Valentines combo holiday. When I left for Phoenix a few days ago, I was in a bit of a funk. I was starting down the poor pitiful me track again. I wanted to go home be with my family. It wasn't until well into the second day that I relaxed and began participating in the holiday.

Now at home, I realize that not only did I have a wonderful holiday, but that I am happy. While the holiday wasn't perfect, I'd have loved to have snow ..and to see Lady, there were so many things that were. My path has been rocky lately, but I'm where I'm supposed to be now.

Thank you to the boyfriend who makes me feel cared for, safe, joyous, and more like myself than anyone has in a long time.

Thank you to the girlfriend who lets me run amok in her life and spare room...and still forgives my occasional bouts with flakiness.

Thank you to everyone in Phoenix that showed me I could find a family unit here.

Thank you to everyone in the Flock. I would never have had the courage to get here without you.

You mean as much to me as my bio-family...who I miss and love greatly.


I love you.

10 comments:

~ the hilzy one ~ said...

*giggles*
Amok, Amok, Amok.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

I love you too baby.

Anonymous said...

The snow is not all it's cracked up to be. (He says, with a second super blizzard aimed at his New Years travel plans.) I could send you some in a jar, but the mail is likely to snowed in again. So, through the magic of technology, I have shipped you batch through the pipes. Yup, direct to your sink! Much like a fax, there is some processing required at the receiving end (a position with which you are notoriously familiar). Simply remove from the faucet, and place in the freezer. Buy a cheese grater (cuz I know you don't own one...unless you keep it in the bedroom...and ew), rub the ice back and forth. Form into a tight ball (yes, I'm still dirty) and throw at Hilzy. Because you can! (Translation: Miss you too, hon.)

Mandy said...

Awww! *hugs both of mah friends*

~ the hilzy one ~ said...

hey! I hate snow... why would you have her throw it at *me* Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

Cuz /I/ can! (And anyone willing to house AND harass my Grace can't be all bad. And obviously has a sense of humor.)

~ the hilzy one ~ said...

that I do. *smiles*
I can't wait to meet you someday.

Mandy said...

*starts plotting ways to get both groups of friends to meet up*

Anonymous said...

Love you too sweetie.

Squid said...

I love you too hon! I'm glad and grateful to call you part of my family!

fishies go *pook pook pook*

Mandy said...

*snuggles da Nerdy and the Squidlet*