August 28, 2006

Words make me happy.

So, Jim sent me these funnies...and I thought I'd share. These were published in the Washington Post's annual contest. This first batch is humorous alternative defintions to words:

Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent.

Negligent (adj.) Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The next group is words, made by adding or removing one letter in an existing word, and the new defintion:

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n.) Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n.) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n.) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v.) All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And my favorite of these:

Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


His Sinfulness said...

The pompitous of this list is impressive - all perfectly cromulent words.